Ok so if you have been following our baby journey at all you may be aware that Rosie is primarily fed using donated breast milk that we get from other mothers in town (not a milk bank - they are seriously outrageously expensive). Now this is obviously a controversial topic for a variety of reasons but this recent opinion piece (http://www.forbes.com/sites/kavinsenapathy/2016/05/17/parents-put-that-strangers-breast-milk-down-and-pick-up-a-bottle-of-formula/#31c2fc71279e) just left me with such a bad taste in my mouth I wanted to write a response from a mother who is actually in the trenches milk sharing with the "strangers".
My biggest problems with the article are 1. The lack of perspective and 2. Fear Mongering.
I appreciate the perspective from health care providers represented in this piece but this is extremely one sided, and the piece seriously lacks perspectives from mothers actually involved in milk sharing. First and foremost, I am a scientist. So I think like a scientist and make decisions rooted in fact and data. So that being said I am not one of these people who believes formula will kill all the babies and is essentially poison. It is an amazing option that has kept tons and tons of babies healthy and happy. We gave Rosie formula on numerous occasions and were totally fine with it. We did not choose donated breast milk because we thought formula would harm Rosie in anyway. We chose it because it works for our family.
The truth is I can honestly say I never anticipated how emotionally charged the topic of feeding a baby is. Everyone constantly feels like they are being judged. Breastfed mothers feel like they are being judged for breastfeeding too long, for putting breastfeeding above all else when scheduling their daily routine, for feeding their babies in public. Formula moms feel like they are being judged for taking the "easy"way out, for feeding their baby "poison", and for foregoing the perceived unique bonding experience that can only come from having baby at breast. So yeah. This one simple thing, keeping your babe nourished and plump and growing is causing internal turmoil for so many amazing mamas out there. So of course I wasn't surprised at this article. Although it starts as an attempt to say "Hey formula is great you don't need to be guilted into taking milk from a stranger", it unfortunately ends with yet another attack on the way moms feed their babies - the dangers of donated milk.
And I'm over here like who gives a crap?? Seriously. Who cares what is in Rosie's bottle besides her father and I? Is it formula? Is it milk I pumped? Is it milk another mom pumped? WHO THE F CARES? I don't care if you hire a wet nurse. I don't care if you breastfeed for 4 years. I don't care if you use all your savings to buy milk at the milk bank. Because it's not my baby, and as long as the bottle isn't filled with jack and coke, I could give two hoots how you are choosing to feed your baby. Obviously everyone is trying to do their best, so let's just cool it. And parenting is freaking hard so the last thing anyone needs is a guilt trip.
So why did we choose to use donated milk? Well our intention was never to use exclusively donated milk. We were just going to supplement with some donated milk, use some formula, and I would keep pumping as much as I could - however small that amount may be. However we met one donor who consistently produced an over abundance of milk and she kept us going for quite some time. We completely trust her. We've met her whole family, I've been to her house a dozen times, we exchange stories about our kids, she even gave me the garage code to her house so I could pick up milk when she couldn't be there to meet. So stranger doesn't quite feel like the right term.
However with all the traveling I was doing in the spring I started producing less and felt like my pumping time was doing more harm than good. For instance in the mornings I would pump for 20 - 30 minutes, and this pumping session was critical because that milk got sent to daycare along with all the milk I pumped from the previous day. However often during that time Rosie would cry and need attention but being attached to a pump and unable to move, all I could do was say sorry sweetie, I'll be done soon. And it killed me not to be able to go pick her up. Then at night I would need to pump as soon as I got home, but with daycare Rosie was going to bed not long after I got home which meant I was spending 30 minutes of our 1 hour together connected to a pump and unable to interact with her in the way I wanted. And all this pumping was still only producing half of what Rosie needed everyday. So I decided to stop pumping and I instantly felt like it was the best decision for us.
So I put put out the request for more milk just to see what would happen and we ended up meeting some more amazing women. With most of our donors we meet at their home, I meet their husbands and children, we talk about their lifestyle, they ask if Rosie is sensitive to any foods or medications. It's very open and honest and if I ever feel uncomfortable we don't take the milk. If anyone even mentions money as reimbursement we don't take the milk. If the milk ever smells off we dump it (frozen breastmilk has a very distinct scent). Most times the women we meet are as happy as we are about the situation. They tell me that otherwise they just would have dumped the milk down the sink. On more than one occasion a donor has cried because she was so happy to help another baby, to be honest on more than one occasion my eyes have also welled with tears over these "strangers'" generosity.
So that's how we ended up milk sharing. Anytime we think we may need to start using formula another extremely generous mother will offer to help feed our baby. It saves us a ton of money, it allows us to meet some really miraculous women, and while I don't think formula will harm your baby I do believe there are some nice benefits to breastmilk that I am glad Rosie is being exposed to.
(On a side note: Although Rosie tolerates formula fine there are plenty of babies who do not and breast milk may be their only option. The article also mentions nothing about these circumstances.)
So on to my second major problem with this article. ALL the fear mongering which is all too popular in parenting circles. You know they have been saying for a while now that swaddling your baby can help reduce SIDS and then last week all these headlines were saying "New studies find swaddling can increase risk of SIDS!" Yeah because that's not confusing or terrifying in the slightest.
So here's the thing. No one wants to put their baby at risk. So if I truly believed there was a large risk associated with donated milk of course I wouldn't do it. I'm not a monster! Or an idiot. We aren't over here like "I'd rather have Rosie get hepatitis from donor milk than have her drink formula." I just really don't think the odds of that are very high and here's why.
When you are pregnant your health is monitored very closely. There are lots of tests and assessments and blood work and we are lucky that we live in an area with low poverty levels, high education rates, and fairly easy access to medical care. So the odds that one of our donors received no health screenings while pregnant and is just carrying a boat load of diseases with no symptoms seems pretty slim. Additionally this is the milk they are giving their babies, who I meet, and I like to believe all moms are on the same page of not wanting their kid to contract a horrible illness. Is there a chance that this could occur? Of course. But I honestly feel like the chances of that are about as slim as the formula someone is buying being recalled. Plus the mom's in these groups talk. Whenever a shady person appears they are put on blast. They are a protective group and if there was a chance a baby had gotten sick from some donor milk there would be reports. I have never read such a report in any sort of news source.
Next is it possible someone has just straight up tampered with the milk? Sure. But considering I pay them in breast milk storage bags that seems like a really weird route to go to try and poison a kid. So if I buy into the fear that someone has poisoned the milk, I also have to be afraid that someone may poison the brownies they bring to Rosie's class for a birthday party. I have to worry that dinner at a friend's may be laced with antifreeze. And I certainly can't let her buy anything at the farmer's market. Who knows what's lurking in that scone??
So the point is, the people who are donating milk are by and large normal everyday people. Are there risks involved? Yes. But I refuse to let myself get caught up in this fear culture because to be honest I am already scared of a ton of crap (the other day I legitimately was concerned I had a brain tumor after one day of a headache) and I don't want Rosie to look around her world and think everything and everyone is out to get her. It's just not the case. I don't want to have to be afraid to let her spend the night at a friend's house, sleepovers are some of my favorite memories as a kid. I don't want to assume every piece of Halloween candy is a ploy to kill our little girl. I don't want to think every time she rides her bike or plays in the yard she may never come back.
I know the world has bad people in it, and we will take precautions to keep Rosie safe but for now I am not going to play the fear game. And that starts with assuming opinion pieces like this one are just that. Opinion.
**If you are interested here is an interesting podcast on the topic that does a good job of presenting a pretty unbiased portrayal of milk donating: https://gimletmedia.com/episode/57-milk-wanted/**
No comments:
Post a Comment