A letter for my girl

I'm not the first mama to take her baby to daycare and I won't be the last. And while nothing can make it easier, knowing that someone else had the same feelings and made it out alive can be comforting in a way. So while this is a letter to my Rosie girl I hope it might find it's way to another mama who needs to hear-you're not alone. 

Dear Rosie, 

I know I won't make it through writing this without tears, so perhaps I won't even try. I'll cry and sniffle and wilt into a mess because while the time to be strong is coming, today is not that day. You are currently fast asleep just an arms reach away from me and while I love when you sleep so soundly and peacefully, I really wish you'd wake up because I could use some cuddles from my sweet girl right about now. I've been up for hours now and once my mind started thinking about taking you to daycare I just couldn't fall back asleep, not when the moment I'll have to drop you off is drawing closer and closer. So I wanted to write you a letter. This way the things I keep repeating in my head are written out for you, for a day when you're old enough to understand.

I worry that one day you'll learn there are mommys who stay home and you'll wonder why I'm not one of them. You'll ask why I leave everyday and with your beautiful big curious eyes you'll wonder if it means I love my job more than I love you. I can't assure you enough that that couldn't be farther from the truth. I didn't know how much I would love being your mother until we spent 11 weeks together. We fell in love and replaced the physical tether that once connected us us with an emotional one twice as strong. Rosie girl,  I love you more than I can bear but for now we have to spend a little time apart and it is tearing me to pieces. 

For 9 months I carried you and I loved every second of having you with me, safe and sound. I loved rubbing my belly and feeling your kicks. Knowing you were with me everywhere I went. To have to drop you off somewhere that it is as foreign to me as it is to you hardly seems fair. It doesn't seem right or natural. I wish we could spend everyday under the covers together, your soft head tucked under my chin as you make the softest most adorable sleep noises I've ever heard. I wish everyday could be a mommy and Rosie adventure. I wish these things in a way you can't imagine. Beyond a simple "that would be nice" to a bone aching plea with the world to let it be so, to give me one more day with my Rosie.

Perhaps this all sounds dramatic, I recognize that we are lucky that we get to take you to daycare and pick you up at the end of the day. You are healthy and strong and there are so many parents who have lost babies who would do anything to get to have a normal day like our daycare days will become. I recognize this, yet it doesn't do much to stop me from mourning the end of our uninterrupted time together. Our magic days. 

I remind myself that this is not the first time we will miss each other. In a few short years you'll be starting school, having sleepovers, maybe you'll even be brave enough to attend a sleep away summer camp like I never was, and once again we will find ourselves in different places. There will be times I miss you more. When you are busy playing with your friends, laughing and giggling while I stare at the clock waiting for you to arrive home safe. Other times you'll miss me more. When daddy and I take our first vacation alone and you fall asleep for the first time without a kiss goodnight from us. Then there will be times we both ache for each other's presence. When we drop you off at college and we find ourselves in bed that first night, both hoping the other one is doing ok and fighting the urge to pick up the phone and say "I miss you already." Yes it is a fact that after our 11 weeks together life will continue to be filled with moments of missing each other, tear filled goodbyes, and joyful reunions.

But this is the first one. And it is painful in a way I couldn't have anticipated. There is talk about how you will never know a love like the way you love your child and at first I didn't get it. Our first few weeks were such a whirlwind my heart didn't have time to adjust. But now, 10 weeks after we met, I am learning the ways in which you have forever changed the capacity my heart has to love. 

So baby girl please know this is the hardest thing to do. That it is making me sick to leave you. I worry you'll be scared, confused, alone. I worry you'll cry and no one will be able to comfort you like I can. I fear you'll think we've forgotten you. I fear something may happen to you and I won't be there to tell you it's ok, mommy's here. But I'm doing it for us. I'm doing it because I have goals and dreams that are too big to contain, and while they seem so insignificant compared to my love for you right now I know they won't always seem that way.  I'm doing it because I want you to grow up knowing you don't have to chose between a family and a career. That just because you are a woman doesn't mean you aren't valuable beyond your ability to reproduce. I'm doing it so one day when you have to leave your baby for the first time you won't have to feel guilty. You'll be able to say my mom did it and so can I. Just know I love you. As much as any mother has ever loved her baby, I love you. Our times together will be the happiest of my life and it is what will keep my love tank full. 

For now I can't be a mommy that stays home and even if I could I know I can't let myself. I have so much to accomplish, for myself and for you. So sleep my sweet baby and know that when you wake I will be here. And even when you grow and find yourself awaking in places that I am not to be found, I'll still be there for you. No matter where I am you will never be far from my mind. As I heard a fellow mama say recently, "I only hope you don't miss me as much as I am going to miss you."

I love you fiercely. I love you madly. I love you unendingly. 

Always,

Mommy 

Microwave Popcorn is a Scam

Yesterday was a big day at our house! 

Weigh in day for little shmoopie.

I knew that she had gained some weight due to the scale I purchased over the weekend but I was ecstatic to find that she weighed in at 9 lbs! That was 9 oz more than last week meaning she was now gaining 1.5 oz a day. Way to go Rosie!! 

We are still going to supplement for the next week in the same way we've been doing it, but after her next weigh in we are hoping to drop the fortifying and work towards exclusive breastfeeding once again. In the meantime I'm also going to see a different lactation consultant to get a second opinion.

After our appointment Rosie and I hit the grocery store for some fruits and lunch time essentials. One of my best buys was this peanut butter which is outrageously crunchy. Like nearly impossible to spread crunchy but I'm about it. 

Then we came home and had lunch and took a nap (obviously the best part of the day) but Devin came home a little early and found us fast asleep. Totally Busted. When he catches us napping it really ruins the whole "my day was insane" story, but seriously most days are pretty tiring. 

Before dinner I went to the workout facility at our apartment building and got in sometime on the bike and the treadmill. I haven't had the easiest time losing this baby weight but I am determined to get these 15 pounds off so I'm trying to workout regularly and reinstated my weight watchers membership. I think part of the problem was that I wasn't eating enough, and with breastfeeding I hear that can be a killer to weightloss progress. So at least with weight watchers I know how much I should be eating and can keep track throughout the day. In fact when I registered I was allotted 28 points and when I changed my settings to say I was a breastfeeding mom it went up to 44 points a day. Now I'm really trying to make sure a lot of those points are healthy things like avocado, nuts, and whole grains instead of pizza and entire cans of Pringles (8 Pringles is 2 points, don't mind if I do). We'll see how it goes. If all goes according to plan the scale will keep inching up for Rosie and down for Mama. 

Also I have a bone to pick about popcorn. A serving size is 2 TBSP of kernels or 4.5 cups popped, and each bag is supposed to have 2.5 servings. That should be more than 11 cups of popcorn. And I consistently get less than 5! FOR REAL. What is going on?! There aren't a ton of kernels left unpopped and the bag is nearly filled to the brim. They are telling me 11 cups of popcorn are supposed to fit in a standard popcorn bag? Did they think I wouldn't notice?! I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Just you wait. 

Halloween Weekend

This weekend we decided to head to my parents' house to celebrate Halloween and our one year wedding anniversary. It's always nice to visit and as much as we love Rosie, having two extra sets of hands is amazing. The drive was prettyuneventful  but we do have to work in a bit more time whenever we go somewhere because someone gets hungry. 

(Not pictured: My glove compartment of snacks). 

Saturday morning was pretty casual, I did some work and had some assistance. 

She's got her diapers in one hand and a laptop in the other. No one can stop her. 

The big event was a trip to Target where my mom and I picked out some new formula for Rosie to try. I've been really lucky because I haven't had to use straight formula yet ( not that formula is bad - I just want to keep up my milk supply so we don't have any problems when we go back to exclusive breastfeeding). We just mix less than a teaspoon of formula into 2 oz pumped breast milk and use that to supplement after a breastfeeding session. Only it seemed like even that tiny bit of formula was not sitting well with her, so I decided to try a different brand. I wanted to use the Honest Company formula from the get go but we decided to be cheap asses instead, my apologies Rosie. I should have known my daughter wouldn't be happy with run of the mill formula. So we picked that up Saturday morning and it seems to be much better on her little tummy. Or it's all in my head, who knows. 

Even though she wasn't trick or treating we got our little monster a costume when we went to the Disney Store during our Chicago visit. It's sully!

The cutest monster in town. 

Sleepy monster. 

All about dat hoodie life. 

In the afternoon Devin and I went up to Naperville and left Rosie with grandma and grandpa so I could buy a baby scale from a person off Craigslist. Given this whole weight issue I just know I'll feel much better being able to monitor her progress at home instead of painfully waiting for our doctors appointment each week. Plus it was only $15, which was a great deal! Then we went to a local sausage shop called Kreger's where they make all their sausages in house and got a few to stash in the freezer for a special occasion (you know - like a Tuesday night). Then it was back to Plainfield where we realized we hadn't had lunch yet so we stopped to grab a few Chicago dogs. Our final stop after lunch was at a local bakery, Millete's, where we bought everything under the sun. For real. 4 cupcakes. 1 giant cookie. A pumpkin pie cheesecake square. 2 kolachkes. 2 buckeyes. A fudge brownie. An apple toffee bar. And some other random cookie. I think that's it. Ok so it was a lot but hey it was our anniversary weekend and we were sharing with my folks.  

Speaking of our anniversary,part of the plan of coming to my parents was to go to a fancy dinner on Saturday night while my parents watched the baby. Only Saturday turned out to be a miserable rainy day and the closer it got to our reservation time the more I just wanted to stay in pajamas. So I asked Devin if he thought it made us totally lame for not going out on our first anniversary, and he said no it's lame to do things just because other people think you should. So it was decided - no dinner. I canceled our reservation and instead we ordered pizza from my second favorite pizza place, Giordanos, and had a family dinner at home with my parents and brother and our plethora of desserts. It wasn't glamorous, but it was us. 

We didn't exchange presents, or cards, or spend hours reminiscing about the past year. Instead we asked each other what the best part of the year was and our answers were identical. Rosie. There will be plenty of time for celebrating as the years tick by and our achievement in marriage grows greater but for now the most beautiful thing we have accomplished together is our daughter. 

And if that means we're too tired to get all dressed up for a nice dinner than pajamas and pizza it is. 

She's screaming because we wouldn't share our candy. 

My little pumpkin. 

Now it's time to plan for Thanksgiving. 

A terrible, no good, very bad day

Yesterday was rough. 

The morning started out with a trip to the doctor for both Rosie and I. It was a weight check for her because she has had trouble growing, and my 6 week postpartum visit. I made the appointments back to back because they are in the same building so I figured it would save us having to go there on two different days. The first appointment was at 9, which meant getting out of the house was a mad dash because we generally don't get up till after 8, but we made it there just a few minutes late. 

To start I got off the elevator on the pediatric floor, when in fact I needed to be on the women's health floor. So I awkwardly said something about having an appointment on that floor later and pushed the elevator button so I could go to the correct floor. Minutes passed and finally the lady at the front desk suggested I press the button...because I am a fool who can't even call an elevator successfully but I swear it looked lit up! Then we made our way to the women's health floor and checked in. After 30 minutes in the waiting room I was really surprised they hadn't called me back for my appaointment. I looked down at my phone to check the time yet again and saw an alert from my google calendar telling me my midwife appointment was starting in 30 minutes. The appointment I thought started at 9. Yup I completely flipped appointment times, the pediatric appointment was at 9 ( and mind you I was on that freaking floor first) and mine was at 10. So I told the front desk about my mistake, went back to the pediatric floor, told them about my mistake and waited to see the pediatrician now more than 30 minutes late for my appointment. 

I was really worried about our weigh in because last time Rosie had only gained half of what she should have for her one month appointment, so I was worried she would have more dismal results. When they set her on the scale I was crushed to find out she had only gained 3.5 oz in 2 weeks. Normally they like them to gain about a pound in two weeks so she was really far from that bench mark. 

The doctor was very nice about it but I still felt awful. Especially because I have been feeling like breastfeeding is going really well! Plus we met with a lactation consultant last week because I wanted to make sure everything looked good and she said Rosie's latch is perfect, my milk supply seems great, and she is swallowing like a champ. She eats every two hours and recently even started sleeping for 7 hours straight at night. So really I have no idea what the problem could be but it's really difficult to know our little girl isn't growing. 

Luckily we have a plan, but this plan is seriously stressing me out. We are fortifying my breast milk by adding formula to it and offering 1-2 oz of that after each feed. Only I have no experience with formula so I have had some problems getting it to mix properly, and I don't want my supply to dwindle so I am trying to pump after each session to keep the supply up. However trying to get ready to pump and also getting a bottle of breastmilk + formula ready while also trying to clean all the components that are needed to both pump and bottle feed has me feeling defeated. I can't seem to get the timing right so I always end up fumbling in the kitchen to prepare a bottle while Rosie screams for more food (because part of the plan is also limiting how much time she is at the breast per feeding). Also today our swing broke, which usually comforts her while I do a quick task, and I just don't know how to do everything while keeping her happy and content. Plus all the while I am really worried she isn't getting enough food and that this plan isn't helping her at all.

I know it's not my fault, and that I did nothing wrong, and that this doesn't mean our breastfeeding journey is over but it is still a kick in the ribs. And no amount of telling myself to look on the bright side will change the fact that I feel disappointed and upset. 

So on top of feeling completely inadequate after her appointment. I had to go to my own doctors appointment where I got an IUD placed and was told that while most women's cervixes stay open for awhile after birth, mine was closed tight. Great. 

So feeling emotionally down, and physically pained, we made our way to the car - which then did not start. Are you kidding me?!? I called Devin but he was too far away to come help. So I loaded Rosie into the stroller, who was screaming by this point because she was hungry, and we walked the mile and a half home in the cold. About halfway home as I was feeling miserable and on the verge of more tears it started to rain. Because of course. 

So now it was raining. Rosie and I were both crying, and I decided to take a shortcut to our apartment building which resulted in the stroller getting stuck in a mudpit. For real. 

The good news? I counted that walk as my workout for the day because I freaking earned that at the very least. 

The rest of the day was decent, although not decent enough to overturn my downtrodden mood.

In happier news, this weekend is Halloween!! Of course we have some cute outfits picked out for the babe and Devin and I's one year anniversary is Sunday so we plan to do something fun though we aren't quite sure what yet. 

At least on bad days I still have this cool chick to kick back and relax with. 

Tiny Baby Meets Big City: Rosie's First Road-trip!

This past weekend was my annual neuroscience conference which means we packed up and made our way to Chicago. I've always been somewhat of an overpacker but having Rosie brought it to a whole new level. Two suitcases, a tote, two backpacks, one diaper bag and one rock and play later we arrived in Plainfield to spend the evening at my parents.

Thanks to the small freezer supply of breastmilk I've been working on building up we were able to leave some milk with my mom on Friday evening and Devin, my dad, and I went to see the Martian - which was fabulous! It was the first time we'd left Rosie with someone else and I'm really glad we did because even just a few hours away was extremely refreshing and energizing. 

Saturday morning my mom accompanied me to find a spring/fall jacket and after an unsuccessful trip to Kohls, I found a phenomenal BCBG coat at Burlington Coat Factory. Then it was off to Chicago! My dad drove us into the city and while we waited for our room to be ready we hit the grocery store for provisions (ie popcorn, almonds, grapes, and some dark chocolate for good measure). I always buy way too many hotel room snacks but what if I get hungry! At home I am a notorious snacker so I like to be prepared. Then we got ready for our dinner reservations. 

We were really lucky to be able to have dinner with our friends Dominic and Brooke at this awesome little Italian tapas  place called Quartino. The meal was utterly delicious but the true winner of the night was the dark chocolate fondue we ended the meal with. I think each of us expressed a strong desire to ditch the fruit and go at it with a spoon, but somehow we refrained. 

Sunday morning was my poster presentation and an 8 am start time meant a very early morning. I have to admit it did feel nice to actually do my hair and makeup after weeks of sporting a ponytail and comfy jeans. The poster went great and I got to talk to a lot of really interesting people and it really reinvigorated my love for science which is why it's so great to go to this conference once a year. It's a great time to remember why I fell in love with science in the first place. 

Then it was off to lunch with one of my lab mates along with her baby, husband, and mom. I unfortunately led us to a restaurant that was closed (ugh I'm the worst!) so instead we ate at this tavern that turned out to be way more delicious than I expected. Only downside was our waitress totally had a case of the Sundays and was super grumpy. 

Then it was back to the conference where Rosie got her science on.

After our afternoon of poster surfing we went back to the hotel where we were met with a surprise visit from our friend Natalie. She was so sweet to stop by and bring Rosie some presents and we said thank you by snagging her some free drinks at the famous Embassy Suites happy hour. After a couple drinks Devin, Rosie, and I ventured to dinner with my old lab from college. We went to a yummy place called 25 degrees, and while their food was mighty tasty the coolest thing was their alcoholic milkshakes! I unfortunately did not get one on account of the whole breastfeeding thing - bummer. Dinner was really fun and Rosie slept the entire time which was spectacular because dinner with a screaming newborn isn't exactly fun times. 

Then we ended the night with friends in our hotel room eating way too much popcorn from Trader Joes! So yummy.

Monday morning I had every intention of going to the conference but having a 4 week old means not having a reliable schedule and since we used all the extra milk we had brought I was tethered to baby, so I decided to forgo a morning of science. Instead I packed up all our stuff and got ready for lunch. We had lunch plans at an Indian buffet with all the ladies from my lab and all the undergraduates from our lab who came to the conference, so we hopped the red line and headed south. 

After lunch we didn't have much time until my dad was going to pick us up so we decided to walk down Michigan Avenue to our hotel in the river north neighborhood. The weather was absolutely perfect and given the cold temperatures that are on their way I felt extremely lucky to have such a fun day in the city with the husband and babe before we are all too sick of the cold to even leave the house. 

We stopped at millennium park where Rosie took her very first picture with the bean. 

Little lady got pretty hungry while at the park so we found a bench and I got to enjoy feeding our girl while looking out over the Chicago skyline. Usually while I nurse I use that time to catch up on Facebook/reply to messages but my phone was actually dead which turned out to be wonderful. The by product of not having technology to bury yourself in is having to fully invest in your surroundings. Sitting there on that bench I studied the city and the buildings I have seen my whole life but have never stopped taking my breath away. I watched the families and couples and school groups rush past us -most of them laughing and smiling and taking pictures. I noted all the people enjoying their lunch in the beautiful park, and amidst all that was overcome with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. To be in my favorite city with the capability to feed my beautiful healthy daughter, I took note of the weight of her in my arms and the heat of her tiny body against mine. I soaked in the small sounds she makes when she is gulping down milk and I marveled at what it must feel like to be that small, surrounded by towering buildings and loud bustling people but to be safely wrapped up in arms that want nothing more to comfort and protect you. I took the moment to recognize how lucky we were to be able to find ourselves in the sunshine on a Monday afternoon, enjoying our family and making the kinds of memories we always dreamed of, finally fulfilling the "When we have a family it will be so wonderful to..."

To sit in the park together.

To cuddle closer as the wind picks up.

To marvel at the perfection that is the baby we made.

To soak in the love that has entered our life since we added Rosalind.

To be grateful for all we have. I

And for those 30 minutes I recognized the irony in the fact that it took the jarring speed of the sprawling city to remind me that the small moments are the most important, the quiet mundane and forgettable moments are the ones worth taking a moment to breathe in. So I kissed her forehead for a second long and held Devin's hand a little tighter and reminded myself that this is the life we've been waiting for and I don't want to miss a second of it. 

Before we ended our Chicago journey we stopped at Dylan's Candy Bar where I got a few mini chocolate squares and an ice cream cone in a cone made of pretzel!! Brilliant. However the follow through on the pretzel wasn't the tastiest. I didn't even mind though because pretzel cones are clearly the wave of the future and I'm sure with a little finessing the pretzel will be phenomenal. Our last stop was The Disney Store where we got a cute little Halloween-ish costume for our girl. I'll save that for Halloween though! 

By that time my Dad had arrived to take us back to the burbs where we stopped at Costco for a classic Costco dinner and then started the trek back to Iowa. 

Rosie's first road trip = Success!!

Rosalind Kristina Cosme: A Birth Story

Here is the story of how our sweet baby girl entered this world. While I know it's not possible to remember every minute of those first few days I want to hold on to as much of it as possible and hopefully someday when Rosie asks how she got here I can tell her in vivid detail just how those moments of overwhelming joy unfolded. 

On Monday September 14, our sweet baby's due date, I woke up at around 6:00 am to discover I had lost my mucus plug. Now if you aren't sure what a mucus plug is, it is exactly what it sounds like, and I warn you do NOT google this term like I did. You will immediately regret it. I called Devin in to the bathroom to show him and at first he protested but I said if I have to deal this these horrifying bodily functions so does he. So he came in and was totally disgusted and then said "Wait...what does this mean?". 

I told him it could mean something...or nothing. I had read that some women lose their mucus plug and don't go into labor for another 2 weeks and other women start contractions within a few hours. So I told him I would keep him posted and off to work he went. By the time I got on the bus to go to work at 8:00 I was pretty sure contractions had started but it was so hard to know. Everything I had read explained contractions differently, so I wasn't sure if what I was feeling were actual contractions - especially because they didn't really hurt. While at work I started to time what I thought were contractions (it would start with a pain in my back and then my stomach would get very hard and then it would all subside). They were fairly regularly spaced - about 6-8 minutes and not terribly long. I was still not really that concerned because I had already convinced myself that this baby would be late. 

Devin on the other hand was getting more anxious as the day ticked on.

Apparently when you are waiting for updates in the impending birth of your daughter information about the McRib just pales in comparison. 

I proceeded with my regular daily tasks, sliced some brains and at around 3:00 the slight pain in my back was growing more forceful and I couldn't really ignore it any longer. 

By the time Devin picked me up from work around 4 the contractions were strong enough to give me pause. We went home and Devin made dinner because one thing I knew is that I wanted to try and eat as long as I felt up to it so that I could keep my strength up, so in between each contraction I had a bite of buffalo chicken tender as we debated when to go to the hospital. Devin called the hospital and told them where we were at with contractions and the nurse listened to me have a contraction on the phone and said it was our call - she thought it sounded like we could labor at home for a while longer or go in. We decided to wait another hour or so, so I called my mom and told her the plan, Devin packed his hospital bag, and we took a few pictures. 

During this pregnancy every time Devin took a bump picture of me he would just keep snapping away because he knows how much it annoys me and loves making me delete 20+ nonsensical photos.  However this time they turned out pretty hilarious.

This was the first set - we got one good one before a contraction started.

Then I realized you couldn't really read the sticker, so we took another...but then another contraction came on. 

So we grabbed our bags and left for the car, where we took this picture. Devin HATES selfies but he gave in so we could have one last photo as a twosome. 

Once we got to the hospital we started in the intake room where they took vitals and hooked me up to a monitor to get a baseline on baby. By now contractions were getting pretty painful and I tried breathing through each one fairly successfully, when the midwife came in to check me I was at 2-3 centimeters dilated so she said she would be back in a few hours to see if I was making progress.

In the meantime I ate a poptart, bounced on the birthing ball, moaned and groaned, and tried to rest while we watched a new PBS special about Walt Disney. A few hours later the midwife returned and told me that I was now a solid 3 cm, so there was definite progress, but nothing outrageous. She gave us the option of staying there and waiting another few hours to get checked again or go home before things got really crazy. We opted to go home so that we could avoid being in the hospital any longer than necessary, so we met my parents in the waiting room (they had started the drive over from Chicago when we left for the hospital) and told them it was still going to be a while before they met their granddaughter but we would keep them updated incase we decided to go back to the hospital in the middle of the night.

We got back home at about 11 and tried to make things as comfortable as possible for what was certainly going to be a long night. Devin ran me a hot bath every hour or so where I would sit through a few contractions, and then get out and lie in bed to try and sleep in between contractions. As the night went on they were consistently about 6 minutes apart, and getting more painful - I remember a few times waking up Devin by screaming "Devin-help me, help me, AHHHHH!" or just "Ahhhh, my back, rub it...RUB IT!" He kept nodding off while he was rubbing my back though and I'm sure you can imagine how well I responded to that. 

Once the sun was back out we started talking about when we wanted to return to the hospital, as contractions intensified I grew more terrified about having to travel back to the hospital because I knew I was going to end up having a few contractions in the car and one or two on the way into the hospital. So while Devin called the hospital to check in I sat on the couch and opened a window so I could feel the fresh air while I dealt with contractions. Luckily for the people of our apartment building, their morning walks with their dogs were met with my painful moans floating out the window. How pleasant. 

At around 8:30 we decided to head back to the hospital - this time for the real deal. We once again went through intake where I was checked and told I was now at 4.5 cm....for real? A full night of painful contractions and I got a measly extra centimeter and a half? They once again said we could go home if we wanted but the thought of going all the way back to the car, and back home only to do it again a few hours later made me want to vomit and cry my eyes out at the same time. Having contractions is hard enough, having them in the car without being able to move was horrendous. So I told them that was a no-go option in my book and they began working on getting us admitted. 

Once we were in our own room we called our midwife and asked her to join us, and started trying a ton of different techniques to cope with the contractions. For each contraction either Devin or our doula was rubbing my back/applying pressure and coaching me through the pain. They were both absolutely wonderful and I was so thankful to have them there with me. We used the bouncing birth ball a ton, I sat in the shower a lot where Devin applied hot water to my back, I leaned on pretty much every hard surface in the room during contractions, I breathed as deeply as I could and let out long loud moans during each contraction that sounded like a dying whale, and in between each one we all chatted and joked around to pass the time which was very helpful.

At one point the nurse came in and we mentioned that my parents were in the waiting room and she seemed concerned that they would be waiting a while. She asked if they knew it was going to be a long time, possibly the next day, and we said Yes. They knew. And they weren't going anywhere. They were in it for the loooong haul. 

Overall Devin and I absolutely loved having a doula there with us because that meant Devin could go eat with my parents, provide them periodic updates, and also rest his arms (Have you ever had to rub someones back intermittently for 24 hours? You will run out of steam eventually and your laboring wife will not be happy with that.) As the day went on the nurses told me I needed to try and eat something, so I ordered a hot ham and cheese sandwich begrudgingly but I couldn't even look at it when it arrived. Devin made me take a bite, and after taking the world's smallest bite I looked miserably at him and told him I couldn't swallow it - so into his hand the chewed hot ham and cheese went. What's funny is that when I packed my labor bag 90% of it was snacks because I was all "Yeah I am totally going to want to eat during labor I need to bring a LOT of food." And my mom was like "Ummm... I am pretty sure that is not going to be the case."

Yeah. She was right.

Then at about 5:00 pm that evening they checked me again and I was 5 cm. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I had now been fielding painful contractions for 25 hours, and had been awake for 35 hours and I was still only at 5 cm?! We continued on for a while and finally I told Devin we needed to talk pain management because the contractions were getting harder to handle and I was already so exhausted. I was worried that if I didn't rest I would never make it to actually pushing this baby out. So we talked with the doula and the nurses and decided on an IV medication that would last a couple hours. That way once it wore off I could still labor naturally to the grand finale. So I got hooked up, and although the drugs helped me sleep, they honestly did not help with the pain of contractions. Bummer. 

While I was lying in bed they hooked me up to a contraction monitor and a few hours later the midwife came in and said that things had slowed down even more, so her suggestion was we start me on some pitocin and an epidural or we could break my water and see if that helped. Once I knew that she was on board for the pitocin/epidural combo I was like YES MA'AM, stop there - you had me at epidural! At that point I knew we needed to get this show on the road and I was just so ready to have our baby. Also before we made he decision everyone asked us about any concerns we had and addressed thoroughly to make sure we felt comfortable with our options. Devin and I have been raving about our care team because we felt like they really listened to us, gave us options, and consistently had our best interest at heart. 

Also by that point I felt like I had really put in a valiant effort and was not at all disappointed about how we had labored. The entire time leading up to the birth of our daughter I got used to the idea that although we had a birth plan somethings are simply out of our control, and ultimately the one thing I wanted to avoid was a c-section, so by getting the epidural I didn't feel like we were abandoning our original wishes at all. Devin assured me that he wanted me to have the type of labor I felt was best and he just didn't want me to regret the epidural decision later, mostly he just wanted me to be making decisions because it's what I wanted and not because I was worried about what other people thought. 

After we made that decision things felt like they moved ahead pretty quickly and before I knew it the anesthesiologist was there and Devin said I must have been a little loopy because I told the man I was SO happy to see him multiple times. Once the epidural was on board I felt like I had the second wind I needed and was the happiest clam in the world! My smile was HUGE and I was finally able to feel excited about the fact that our baby was on her way. Prior to that I was too wrapped up in the world of contractions to really comprehend how soon our baby girl would be arriving. Getting to spend a few hours excited and eagerly anticipating her arrival was definitely worth it. 

I got the epidural at 10:00 pm and when I was checked after that we were at 8 cm!! Now that was some progress I felt great about. Once I had the epidural my parents came in for a little visit and it was wonderful to see them after such a long painful day. Over the next few hours I tried to rest and luckily I could still feel the contractions which was important to me, they were just a million times easier to manage. After midnight they broke my water because it was still intact and was causing a lot of pressure and that's when they found out there was meconium in the fluid. So our plan once again had to change because meconium meant she would need to go to the peds team right away and would not get to do skin to skin with mom after birth. This also meant no delayed cord clamping. To be honest this was the part I was most bummed about, but once again I knew that not everything could go exactly as planned and as my midwife said even though we were pretty much blowing up our birthing plan - she was determined to make sure I did not need a c-section. 

Not long after the breaking of my water I was at 10 cm, and they were just waiting for a few things to fall into place before I could push. Every hour I got a check until 3:00 am when I knew things were about to go down. The pressure was getting very very intense and I was starting to get the urge to push. My doula called the nurse who checked and said I was ready. Finally. 

We were finally going to meet our daughter. The moment they said I could start pushing I was absolutely determined to get that baby out. I felt like so much of the past nearly 48 hours were out of my control, but pushing was all me. As each contraction came I pushed as hard as I could and felt so powerful. Devin held one leg while the doula held the other, and after a few contractions everyone started to get SO EXCITED and told me they could see her head and she had a ton of hair! Then with one final push I could feel her head pop out and then came the rest of her body. 17 minutes of pushing and she was out. And Devin and I locked eyes and with tears streaming down both our faces we breathed a sigh of relief at exactly 3:42 am. We had done it. 

She was here. She was safe. She was more beautiful than we had imagined. Devin cut the cord and went over with the peds team to keep an eye on her - meanwhile I birthed the placenta, got stitched up, and waited for my baby to return. Here are a couple pictures Devin snapped of Rosie getting checked over in our room. 

Even though I couldn't see her, I could hear her, and I couldn't stop smiling. 

Then before they took her away to do a closer examination Devin brought her over to me and for the first time our family 3 was together.


I love Devin's face in this one. He isn't one for forced smiles, and this smile here is as genuine as they come. In fact I didn't see it leave his face until we went to sleep.


I had to wait until about 5:00 am for them to bring her back, but while I waited they brought me a sandwich and some snacks and also a few printed pictures of her which I thought was really sweet of them. Again this was a time we were really happy we had a doula because Devin got to be with Rosie and didn't have to worry about me lying alone in the hospital bed. Here are a few pictures Devin snapped during her examination. While she was in there my parents got to go say hello but Devin made them wait to find out her name until I could tell them.








Then they came back! And I got to stare at this beautiful baby and wonder how on Earth we could have made something so perfect. I am usually a worrier, a hypochondriac, anxious, and over the top. But during this pregnancy I was amazed at the sense of calm I felt about the little person growing inside of me. I could have spent hours and days obsessing over what could go wrong, about problems she could be developing inside of me, but for 9 months I felt a sense of peace. I knew she would be ok. Seeing her wrapped up, looking as comfortable as could be was such a surreal moment. This was the little girl who had been kicking me for months on end, this was our daughter who we dreamt about and talked about for hours on end and couldn't wait to meet. Nothing in the world can prepare you for that moment, and I know I will remember that feeling for the rest of my life. The sense of relief that she was healthy, alert, and in all senses of the word - perfect. The gentle way we handled her in those first few hours, not wanting to break her and also wanting her to know that even though this world is bright and noisy it is also soft, and warm, and peaceful. The way we examined every single part of her, looking at her tiny hands and rubbing her head which was filled with hair (exactly as I had hoped it would be). Admiring how soft she was, the way her skin had yet to develop that roughness that comes with living, the everyday wear and tear we all succumb to. We kissed her too many times to keep count, we kissed each other, and we fell in love all over again in that hospital room.


Then the grandparents got to hold their granddaughter for the first time, and even though it was 5:00 am and we were all exhausted, for the moment I don't think anyone felt anything but joy and pure happiness. And they finally learned her name. Rosalind Kristina Cosme.

Rosalind for a few reasons. 1) I love that it ends with Lind. My mom's name is Linda, and Caitlin ends with a lin...so it seemed a nice connection between all of us. 2) Rosalind Franklin was a scientist with a very interesting story that I greatly admire and I hope Rosie grows up to be full of brains, strength, and tenacity just like all the female scientists I know.

Then her middle name comes from my sister Christina. We chose to spell it a bit differently because we love the initials RKC, and also it gives her a bit of her own style.





At about 6:00 we got transitioned into our own room in the mother baby unit and after telling my parents goodbye we all fell asleep. Devin, Cate, and Rosie. 48 hours after the journey began, we had arrived. We made it to parenthood.


Over the next two days in the hospital we got to spend time learning to change diapers, give her a bath, and cuddled her every second we got. We got visits from my parents, and brother, and let her know that all of these people were so excited to meet her!

Here is our first family selfie.





I love all her little parts so much. That nose is killing me with cuteness!

We spent most of our two days in the hospital lying in bed without a care in the worlds and lucky for Rosie, she was rarely out of someone's arms the entire time we were there. 






Then it was time to go home! With our baby and with no nurses to help us get through the night. I'm sorry...what?!



She looked so incredibly tiny when we put her in her car seat!




So far we are surviving though. We took her to the farmers market.


And the library! Because what is a better place for a 3 day old than the very quiet library? She did great though.

So now we spend our days cuddling and eating.


And making funny faces.


And sleeping on Daddy.


Let the adventures with Rosalind begin...