A terrible, no good, very bad day

Yesterday was rough. 

The morning started out with a trip to the doctor for both Rosie and I. It was a weight check for her because she has had trouble growing, and my 6 week postpartum visit. I made the appointments back to back because they are in the same building so I figured it would save us having to go there on two different days. The first appointment was at 9, which meant getting out of the house was a mad dash because we generally don't get up till after 8, but we made it there just a few minutes late. 

To start I got off the elevator on the pediatric floor, when in fact I needed to be on the women's health floor. So I awkwardly said something about having an appointment on that floor later and pushed the elevator button so I could go to the correct floor. Minutes passed and finally the lady at the front desk suggested I press the button...because I am a fool who can't even call an elevator successfully but I swear it looked lit up! Then we made our way to the women's health floor and checked in. After 30 minutes in the waiting room I was really surprised they hadn't called me back for my appaointment. I looked down at my phone to check the time yet again and saw an alert from my google calendar telling me my midwife appointment was starting in 30 minutes. The appointment I thought started at 9. Yup I completely flipped appointment times, the pediatric appointment was at 9 ( and mind you I was on that freaking floor first) and mine was at 10. So I told the front desk about my mistake, went back to the pediatric floor, told them about my mistake and waited to see the pediatrician now more than 30 minutes late for my appointment. 

I was really worried about our weigh in because last time Rosie had only gained half of what she should have for her one month appointment, so I was worried she would have more dismal results. When they set her on the scale I was crushed to find out she had only gained 3.5 oz in 2 weeks. Normally they like them to gain about a pound in two weeks so she was really far from that bench mark. 

The doctor was very nice about it but I still felt awful. Especially because I have been feeling like breastfeeding is going really well! Plus we met with a lactation consultant last week because I wanted to make sure everything looked good and she said Rosie's latch is perfect, my milk supply seems great, and she is swallowing like a champ. She eats every two hours and recently even started sleeping for 7 hours straight at night. So really I have no idea what the problem could be but it's really difficult to know our little girl isn't growing. 

Luckily we have a plan, but this plan is seriously stressing me out. We are fortifying my breast milk by adding formula to it and offering 1-2 oz of that after each feed. Only I have no experience with formula so I have had some problems getting it to mix properly, and I don't want my supply to dwindle so I am trying to pump after each session to keep the supply up. However trying to get ready to pump and also getting a bottle of breastmilk + formula ready while also trying to clean all the components that are needed to both pump and bottle feed has me feeling defeated. I can't seem to get the timing right so I always end up fumbling in the kitchen to prepare a bottle while Rosie screams for more food (because part of the plan is also limiting how much time she is at the breast per feeding). Also today our swing broke, which usually comforts her while I do a quick task, and I just don't know how to do everything while keeping her happy and content. Plus all the while I am really worried she isn't getting enough food and that this plan isn't helping her at all.

I know it's not my fault, and that I did nothing wrong, and that this doesn't mean our breastfeeding journey is over but it is still a kick in the ribs. And no amount of telling myself to look on the bright side will change the fact that I feel disappointed and upset. 

So on top of feeling completely inadequate after her appointment. I had to go to my own doctors appointment where I got an IUD placed and was told that while most women's cervixes stay open for awhile after birth, mine was closed tight. Great. 

So feeling emotionally down, and physically pained, we made our way to the car - which then did not start. Are you kidding me?!? I called Devin but he was too far away to come help. So I loaded Rosie into the stroller, who was screaming by this point because she was hungry, and we walked the mile and a half home in the cold. About halfway home as I was feeling miserable and on the verge of more tears it started to rain. Because of course. 

So now it was raining. Rosie and I were both crying, and I decided to take a shortcut to our apartment building which resulted in the stroller getting stuck in a mudpit. For real. 

The good news? I counted that walk as my workout for the day because I freaking earned that at the very least. 

The rest of the day was decent, although not decent enough to overturn my downtrodden mood.

In happier news, this weekend is Halloween!! Of course we have some cute outfits picked out for the babe and Devin and I's one year anniversary is Sunday so we plan to do something fun though we aren't quite sure what yet. 

At least on bad days I still have this cool chick to kick back and relax with. 

Tiny Baby Meets Big City: Rosie's First Road-trip!

This past weekend was my annual neuroscience conference which means we packed up and made our way to Chicago. I've always been somewhat of an overpacker but having Rosie brought it to a whole new level. Two suitcases, a tote, two backpacks, one diaper bag and one rock and play later we arrived in Plainfield to spend the evening at my parents.

Thanks to the small freezer supply of breastmilk I've been working on building up we were able to leave some milk with my mom on Friday evening and Devin, my dad, and I went to see the Martian - which was fabulous! It was the first time we'd left Rosie with someone else and I'm really glad we did because even just a few hours away was extremely refreshing and energizing. 

Saturday morning my mom accompanied me to find a spring/fall jacket and after an unsuccessful trip to Kohls, I found a phenomenal BCBG coat at Burlington Coat Factory. Then it was off to Chicago! My dad drove us into the city and while we waited for our room to be ready we hit the grocery store for provisions (ie popcorn, almonds, grapes, and some dark chocolate for good measure). I always buy way too many hotel room snacks but what if I get hungry! At home I am a notorious snacker so I like to be prepared. Then we got ready for our dinner reservations. 

We were really lucky to be able to have dinner with our friends Dominic and Brooke at this awesome little Italian tapas  place called Quartino. The meal was utterly delicious but the true winner of the night was the dark chocolate fondue we ended the meal with. I think each of us expressed a strong desire to ditch the fruit and go at it with a spoon, but somehow we refrained. 

Sunday morning was my poster presentation and an 8 am start time meant a very early morning. I have to admit it did feel nice to actually do my hair and makeup after weeks of sporting a ponytail and comfy jeans. The poster went great and I got to talk to a lot of really interesting people and it really reinvigorated my love for science which is why it's so great to go to this conference once a year. It's a great time to remember why I fell in love with science in the first place. 

Then it was off to lunch with one of my lab mates along with her baby, husband, and mom. I unfortunately led us to a restaurant that was closed (ugh I'm the worst!) so instead we ate at this tavern that turned out to be way more delicious than I expected. Only downside was our waitress totally had a case of the Sundays and was super grumpy. 

Then it was back to the conference where Rosie got her science on.

After our afternoon of poster surfing we went back to the hotel where we were met with a surprise visit from our friend Natalie. She was so sweet to stop by and bring Rosie some presents and we said thank you by snagging her some free drinks at the famous Embassy Suites happy hour. After a couple drinks Devin, Rosie, and I ventured to dinner with my old lab from college. We went to a yummy place called 25 degrees, and while their food was mighty tasty the coolest thing was their alcoholic milkshakes! I unfortunately did not get one on account of the whole breastfeeding thing - bummer. Dinner was really fun and Rosie slept the entire time which was spectacular because dinner with a screaming newborn isn't exactly fun times. 

Then we ended the night with friends in our hotel room eating way too much popcorn from Trader Joes! So yummy.

Monday morning I had every intention of going to the conference but having a 4 week old means not having a reliable schedule and since we used all the extra milk we had brought I was tethered to baby, so I decided to forgo a morning of science. Instead I packed up all our stuff and got ready for lunch. We had lunch plans at an Indian buffet with all the ladies from my lab and all the undergraduates from our lab who came to the conference, so we hopped the red line and headed south. 

After lunch we didn't have much time until my dad was going to pick us up so we decided to walk down Michigan Avenue to our hotel in the river north neighborhood. The weather was absolutely perfect and given the cold temperatures that are on their way I felt extremely lucky to have such a fun day in the city with the husband and babe before we are all too sick of the cold to even leave the house. 

We stopped at millennium park where Rosie took her very first picture with the bean. 

Little lady got pretty hungry while at the park so we found a bench and I got to enjoy feeding our girl while looking out over the Chicago skyline. Usually while I nurse I use that time to catch up on Facebook/reply to messages but my phone was actually dead which turned out to be wonderful. The by product of not having technology to bury yourself in is having to fully invest in your surroundings. Sitting there on that bench I studied the city and the buildings I have seen my whole life but have never stopped taking my breath away. I watched the families and couples and school groups rush past us -most of them laughing and smiling and taking pictures. I noted all the people enjoying their lunch in the beautiful park, and amidst all that was overcome with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. To be in my favorite city with the capability to feed my beautiful healthy daughter, I took note of the weight of her in my arms and the heat of her tiny body against mine. I soaked in the small sounds she makes when she is gulping down milk and I marveled at what it must feel like to be that small, surrounded by towering buildings and loud bustling people but to be safely wrapped up in arms that want nothing more to comfort and protect you. I took the moment to recognize how lucky we were to be able to find ourselves in the sunshine on a Monday afternoon, enjoying our family and making the kinds of memories we always dreamed of, finally fulfilling the "When we have a family it will be so wonderful to..."

To sit in the park together.

To cuddle closer as the wind picks up.

To marvel at the perfection that is the baby we made.

To soak in the love that has entered our life since we added Rosalind.

To be grateful for all we have. I

And for those 30 minutes I recognized the irony in the fact that it took the jarring speed of the sprawling city to remind me that the small moments are the most important, the quiet mundane and forgettable moments are the ones worth taking a moment to breathe in. So I kissed her forehead for a second long and held Devin's hand a little tighter and reminded myself that this is the life we've been waiting for and I don't want to miss a second of it. 

Before we ended our Chicago journey we stopped at Dylan's Candy Bar where I got a few mini chocolate squares and an ice cream cone in a cone made of pretzel!! Brilliant. However the follow through on the pretzel wasn't the tastiest. I didn't even mind though because pretzel cones are clearly the wave of the future and I'm sure with a little finessing the pretzel will be phenomenal. Our last stop was The Disney Store where we got a cute little Halloween-ish costume for our girl. I'll save that for Halloween though! 

By that time my Dad had arrived to take us back to the burbs where we stopped at Costco for a classic Costco dinner and then started the trek back to Iowa. 

Rosie's first road trip = Success!!