A letter for my girl

I'm not the first mama to take her baby to daycare and I won't be the last. And while nothing can make it easier, knowing that someone else had the same feelings and made it out alive can be comforting in a way. So while this is a letter to my Rosie girl I hope it might find it's way to another mama who needs to hear-you're not alone. 

Dear Rosie, 

I know I won't make it through writing this without tears, so perhaps I won't even try. I'll cry and sniffle and wilt into a mess because while the time to be strong is coming, today is not that day. You are currently fast asleep just an arms reach away from me and while I love when you sleep so soundly and peacefully, I really wish you'd wake up because I could use some cuddles from my sweet girl right about now. I've been up for hours now and once my mind started thinking about taking you to daycare I just couldn't fall back asleep, not when the moment I'll have to drop you off is drawing closer and closer. So I wanted to write you a letter. This way the things I keep repeating in my head are written out for you, for a day when you're old enough to understand.

I worry that one day you'll learn there are mommys who stay home and you'll wonder why I'm not one of them. You'll ask why I leave everyday and with your beautiful big curious eyes you'll wonder if it means I love my job more than I love you. I can't assure you enough that that couldn't be farther from the truth. I didn't know how much I would love being your mother until we spent 11 weeks together. We fell in love and replaced the physical tether that once connected us us with an emotional one twice as strong. Rosie girl,  I love you more than I can bear but for now we have to spend a little time apart and it is tearing me to pieces. 

For 9 months I carried you and I loved every second of having you with me, safe and sound. I loved rubbing my belly and feeling your kicks. Knowing you were with me everywhere I went. To have to drop you off somewhere that it is as foreign to me as it is to you hardly seems fair. It doesn't seem right or natural. I wish we could spend everyday under the covers together, your soft head tucked under my chin as you make the softest most adorable sleep noises I've ever heard. I wish everyday could be a mommy and Rosie adventure. I wish these things in a way you can't imagine. Beyond a simple "that would be nice" to a bone aching plea with the world to let it be so, to give me one more day with my Rosie.

Perhaps this all sounds dramatic, I recognize that we are lucky that we get to take you to daycare and pick you up at the end of the day. You are healthy and strong and there are so many parents who have lost babies who would do anything to get to have a normal day like our daycare days will become. I recognize this, yet it doesn't do much to stop me from mourning the end of our uninterrupted time together. Our magic days. 

I remind myself that this is not the first time we will miss each other. In a few short years you'll be starting school, having sleepovers, maybe you'll even be brave enough to attend a sleep away summer camp like I never was, and once again we will find ourselves in different places. There will be times I miss you more. When you are busy playing with your friends, laughing and giggling while I stare at the clock waiting for you to arrive home safe. Other times you'll miss me more. When daddy and I take our first vacation alone and you fall asleep for the first time without a kiss goodnight from us. Then there will be times we both ache for each other's presence. When we drop you off at college and we find ourselves in bed that first night, both hoping the other one is doing ok and fighting the urge to pick up the phone and say "I miss you already." Yes it is a fact that after our 11 weeks together life will continue to be filled with moments of missing each other, tear filled goodbyes, and joyful reunions.

But this is the first one. And it is painful in a way I couldn't have anticipated. There is talk about how you will never know a love like the way you love your child and at first I didn't get it. Our first few weeks were such a whirlwind my heart didn't have time to adjust. But now, 10 weeks after we met, I am learning the ways in which you have forever changed the capacity my heart has to love. 

So baby girl please know this is the hardest thing to do. That it is making me sick to leave you. I worry you'll be scared, confused, alone. I worry you'll cry and no one will be able to comfort you like I can. I fear you'll think we've forgotten you. I fear something may happen to you and I won't be there to tell you it's ok, mommy's here. But I'm doing it for us. I'm doing it because I have goals and dreams that are too big to contain, and while they seem so insignificant compared to my love for you right now I know they won't always seem that way.  I'm doing it because I want you to grow up knowing you don't have to chose between a family and a career. That just because you are a woman doesn't mean you aren't valuable beyond your ability to reproduce. I'm doing it so one day when you have to leave your baby for the first time you won't have to feel guilty. You'll be able to say my mom did it and so can I. Just know I love you. As much as any mother has ever loved her baby, I love you. Our times together will be the happiest of my life and it is what will keep my love tank full. 

For now I can't be a mommy that stays home and even if I could I know I can't let myself. I have so much to accomplish, for myself and for you. So sleep my sweet baby and know that when you wake I will be here. And even when you grow and find yourself awaking in places that I am not to be found, I'll still be there for you. No matter where I am you will never be far from my mind. As I heard a fellow mama say recently, "I only hope you don't miss me as much as I am going to miss you."

I love you fiercely. I love you madly. I love you unendingly. 

Always,

Mommy 

Microwave Popcorn is a Scam

Yesterday was a big day at our house! 

Weigh in day for little shmoopie.

I knew that she had gained some weight due to the scale I purchased over the weekend but I was ecstatic to find that she weighed in at 9 lbs! That was 9 oz more than last week meaning she was now gaining 1.5 oz a day. Way to go Rosie!! 

We are still going to supplement for the next week in the same way we've been doing it, but after her next weigh in we are hoping to drop the fortifying and work towards exclusive breastfeeding once again. In the meantime I'm also going to see a different lactation consultant to get a second opinion.

After our appointment Rosie and I hit the grocery store for some fruits and lunch time essentials. One of my best buys was this peanut butter which is outrageously crunchy. Like nearly impossible to spread crunchy but I'm about it. 

Then we came home and had lunch and took a nap (obviously the best part of the day) but Devin came home a little early and found us fast asleep. Totally Busted. When he catches us napping it really ruins the whole "my day was insane" story, but seriously most days are pretty tiring. 

Before dinner I went to the workout facility at our apartment building and got in sometime on the bike and the treadmill. I haven't had the easiest time losing this baby weight but I am determined to get these 15 pounds off so I'm trying to workout regularly and reinstated my weight watchers membership. I think part of the problem was that I wasn't eating enough, and with breastfeeding I hear that can be a killer to weightloss progress. So at least with weight watchers I know how much I should be eating and can keep track throughout the day. In fact when I registered I was allotted 28 points and when I changed my settings to say I was a breastfeeding mom it went up to 44 points a day. Now I'm really trying to make sure a lot of those points are healthy things like avocado, nuts, and whole grains instead of pizza and entire cans of Pringles (8 Pringles is 2 points, don't mind if I do). We'll see how it goes. If all goes according to plan the scale will keep inching up for Rosie and down for Mama. 

Also I have a bone to pick about popcorn. A serving size is 2 TBSP of kernels or 4.5 cups popped, and each bag is supposed to have 2.5 servings. That should be more than 11 cups of popcorn. And I consistently get less than 5! FOR REAL. What is going on?! There aren't a ton of kernels left unpopped and the bag is nearly filled to the brim. They are telling me 11 cups of popcorn are supposed to fit in a standard popcorn bag? Did they think I wouldn't notice?! I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Just you wait. 

Halloween Weekend

This weekend we decided to head to my parents' house to celebrate Halloween and our one year wedding anniversary. It's always nice to visit and as much as we love Rosie, having two extra sets of hands is amazing. The drive was prettyuneventful  but we do have to work in a bit more time whenever we go somewhere because someone gets hungry. 

(Not pictured: My glove compartment of snacks). 

Saturday morning was pretty casual, I did some work and had some assistance. 

She's got her diapers in one hand and a laptop in the other. No one can stop her. 

The big event was a trip to Target where my mom and I picked out some new formula for Rosie to try. I've been really lucky because I haven't had to use straight formula yet ( not that formula is bad - I just want to keep up my milk supply so we don't have any problems when we go back to exclusive breastfeeding). We just mix less than a teaspoon of formula into 2 oz pumped breast milk and use that to supplement after a breastfeeding session. Only it seemed like even that tiny bit of formula was not sitting well with her, so I decided to try a different brand. I wanted to use the Honest Company formula from the get go but we decided to be cheap asses instead, my apologies Rosie. I should have known my daughter wouldn't be happy with run of the mill formula. So we picked that up Saturday morning and it seems to be much better on her little tummy. Or it's all in my head, who knows. 

Even though she wasn't trick or treating we got our little monster a costume when we went to the Disney Store during our Chicago visit. It's sully!

The cutest monster in town. 

Sleepy monster. 

All about dat hoodie life. 

In the afternoon Devin and I went up to Naperville and left Rosie with grandma and grandpa so I could buy a baby scale from a person off Craigslist. Given this whole weight issue I just know I'll feel much better being able to monitor her progress at home instead of painfully waiting for our doctors appointment each week. Plus it was only $15, which was a great deal! Then we went to a local sausage shop called Kreger's where they make all their sausages in house and got a few to stash in the freezer for a special occasion (you know - like a Tuesday night). Then it was back to Plainfield where we realized we hadn't had lunch yet so we stopped to grab a few Chicago dogs. Our final stop after lunch was at a local bakery, Millete's, where we bought everything under the sun. For real. 4 cupcakes. 1 giant cookie. A pumpkin pie cheesecake square. 2 kolachkes. 2 buckeyes. A fudge brownie. An apple toffee bar. And some other random cookie. I think that's it. Ok so it was a lot but hey it was our anniversary weekend and we were sharing with my folks.  

Speaking of our anniversary,part of the plan of coming to my parents was to go to a fancy dinner on Saturday night while my parents watched the baby. Only Saturday turned out to be a miserable rainy day and the closer it got to our reservation time the more I just wanted to stay in pajamas. So I asked Devin if he thought it made us totally lame for not going out on our first anniversary, and he said no it's lame to do things just because other people think you should. So it was decided - no dinner. I canceled our reservation and instead we ordered pizza from my second favorite pizza place, Giordanos, and had a family dinner at home with my parents and brother and our plethora of desserts. It wasn't glamorous, but it was us. 

We didn't exchange presents, or cards, or spend hours reminiscing about the past year. Instead we asked each other what the best part of the year was and our answers were identical. Rosie. There will be plenty of time for celebrating as the years tick by and our achievement in marriage grows greater but for now the most beautiful thing we have accomplished together is our daughter. 

And if that means we're too tired to get all dressed up for a nice dinner than pajamas and pizza it is. 

She's screaming because we wouldn't share our candy. 

My little pumpkin. 

Now it's time to plan for Thanksgiving.