The Sunshine of Ruby Jo:An Origin Story

 Ruby Jo - I never put your birth story down onto paper, because life, and 2 kids, and the madness of motherhood. But I remember it so vividly, and think of it often, the day we met.

You were due on February 9, 2019 - a Saturday. I had a feeling you weren't far off. I started off the morning with a non-stress test to see how you were looking on the inside because a few days prior your heartrate was a little high so they wanted to check in on you! You looked stupendous so they let me go for a day of business as usual at 2 cm dilated, and with the information that you were "Probably a big baby because they could feel parts everywhere!" Your big sister Ro was with Grandma and Grandpa but we decided to pick her up knowing that the next time we dropped her off with grandma and grandpa it would probably be go time. And there it was, our last night of a family of 3. Uneventful. 

And in the morning I was pretty certain you were on the way because I lost my mucus plug which was exactly what marked my start of labor the first go around. So we coordinated with Grandma and Grandpa and Daddy dropped Rosie off in the early afternoon while I started to field the contractions. So slowly. All afternoon they felt so far apart, 10 minutes, then maybe 6 minutes, then more stretches of 10-13 minutes. So by early evening I decided to make a move. We went to Costco for a leisurely stroll, which I hoped would speed up labor and then to top it off went to Buffalo Wild Wings where I ordered some hot delicious wings to try and smoke you out.

At 7:01 I texted the doula "Having some contractions but they are pretty sporadic still (anywhere from 10-20 mins apart) but wanted to keep you posted"

But 7:34 pm I texted Grandma, "Contractions seem to be getting more consistent now, will keep you posted" And low and behold sitting there in a BWW I could tell things were happening, the whole meal I kept timing the contractions and they were consistently getting closer together. Labor was actually starting!! You were coming!

Once we got home from dinner, I would say I really started laboring. I got my head phones and started a rotation of moving from the couch to the tub and back. I played a ton of Schitt's Creek because it was a new show to me at the time and was quite cheerful. Dad was an immense help as he used the shower wand to keep hot water cascading down my back. 

And so it went for the next 6 hours or so. Breathing through contractions, timing them, trying to stay comfortable and knowing I had done this before. Until 3:30 when we knew we needed to make a decision. It was to the point where contractions were getting so bad I was dreading being in a car and staying in the same position for more than 15 minutes, so I kept putting it off because I wanted to stay at home, but I also knew that the longer I put it off the worse it would be. And of course, in true Devin fashion, your Dad kept saying things like "It's up to you, we will go whenever you say - I'm not the one who can make that call." THEN WHAT CAN YOU DO??

At 3:36 we texted the doula, "Average over the past hour was 53 seconds long and 5:10 apart". She asked about the intensity and I said definitely getting worse. So after more laboring (time is a joke during labor 5 minutes is an hour and hour is a blip, nothing makes sense!) we decided to head to the hospital at 4:40 am on February 11. I of course, was hoping this is the day you would come! But knowing how long it took with your sister I was cautiously optimistic. When we arrived Dad helped me in, the night sky still black even as people began to wake up to start their day. Millions of people around us rising to their alarms clocks, pouring their coffee, wiping the sleep from their eyes, and you about to start your whole life. 

I think back to that car ride sometimes. It wasn't as bad as I feared, though it wasn't great. At 5 minutes apart I know I would probably have to manage 3 contractions in the car on the way to the hospital. 1 minute each. 3 minutes of brutal strength and determination. The streets were absolutely silent and I just kept thinking the next time we pass down these streets we will have our Ruby girl. It was a drive that felt like an ending, closing one chapter, and the dawn of a new one. You on the horizon.

We met our doula outside the hospital at around 5:00 am and by this point things were INTENSE. I think this was when I really transitioned into the final stages of labor. You know the one where other pregnant women see you and then become terrified of what is to befall them. They checked me in, so many questions, and then checked me (and you). 8 cm and a bulging bag according to nurse Jenny. WE DID 8 CM AT HOME!! I was so freaking astonished. I literally could not wrap my head around the number because the first time around we arrived to the hospital at like 2 cm and everyone laughed at me and was like, "Oh child - it is gonna get SO much worse. Which it did. For 36 hours."

This time I was all - I am woman hear me roar! And you were still on the inside, but I know you were roaring in there too.

At 5:33, the Doula noted that Jenny drew my labs and started the IV, and at 5:45 you looked good so continuous monitoring was removed which was awesome because then I could move around again. 

Thank the lord. A 5:50 our midwife Jenna arrived (who was pregnant at the time and how freaking cool is that?) 

5:53 I get into the tub. Hot water. Please. Now. Anything. AHHHHH.

6:03 No. Now I am out the tub again because I am feeling pressure. The contractions become so uncomfortable I want to crawl out of my own skin, but that's not possible so physical movement helps. 

6:06 Midwife Jenna checks again - 8cm and -1 position, ruptured membranes

Here is where I hit the wall. I have now been at the hospital for an hour, dealing with the final intense stages of birth and I haven't progressed. I am discouraged to say the least and I feel like I can't do it. I mean I really feel like maybe this isn't possible. I cry and I shout and I stare into the face of your father who holds me, and reminds me to breath and I hear our doula telling me this is normal, this is exactly what should be happening, and I can do it. I move from my back to my hands and knees, just trying to make it through each contraction. At 6:40 I am like hey, y'all, I remember I think someone said we could have a nitrous oxide party up in here? Is that right? Who's got them good drugs?

Please. Literally. WHO HAS DRUGS?

But apparently the nitrous oxide isn't working (I will never know if this was real or a lie - in my heart I believe it was a white lie because the only person in the room who didn't think I could it was me) because not long after this I start pushing. I mean like maybe with 5 minutes? This is the most intense part. This is where I really need Devin, because I am scared. I am tense, and not listening to my body. My body is saying push, get this baby out, but when I relax enough to push it hurts SO much worse than when I am tensed up and not pushing. But they only way out, the only way to you, is through the pain. And the doula knows that, daddy knows that, the midwife knows it, they know physically I can do it. But mentally I am so freaking scared. So my team of cheerleaders talks me up, cutting through my own chats that I am not sure I can do it, and it hurts, and I am so scared. But I do it.

To get to you. I will walk through anything. Endure any pain. Fighting any monsters. I will always make my way to you.

At 7:01 with one last push you come out. Each push going against the parts of my brain meant to shield me from pain. But I can feel your head, and your body, and with one last push I feel the rush of your entire leave me. It feels slippery and instantaneous and within a second you are on me. And I can't believe it. 20 minutes prior I was begging for nitrous oxide, and with a few pushes, the final hurtle over the mountain, there you are. 

I LOVE this picture because I can feel this moment. 

I know, I am not even looking at you (sorry buddy) but I couldn't believe I had done it. And that was all I could say for the first few minutes, just over and over again, with elation, and pride, and relief, and awe in my voice. I did it. I did it? Me? I did it. She's here. I can't believe it. I had you on me for 34 blissful minutes during which time I deliver the placenta and they sew me up and I cut your cord - because I am a savage beast mama.

I ask daddy after a few minutes if he wants to hold you, but he doesn't want to take us apart yet. Your sister was whisked away from me so fast, he wants me to have this moment with you. Basking in our accomplishment, in your arrival, in our strength as a team, you, me, and daddy, in your beauty. 

At 7:35 they weigh you and measure you and Daddy holds you for the first time. 

At 7:42 you latch for the first time. 

You are beautiful, and strong, and I will forever be so greatful that we had the most empowering and beautiful birth together. I love you Ruby Jo. Don't you ever forget it.

To Ruby Jo, From Quarantine

15 months! My sweet Ruby Jo, I can't believe we have known you for 15 months, and my oh my, what an unpredictable turn this 2nd year of your life has taken.

You are at such a special age, not a baby anymore, you toddle about the house making your opinions known and asserting your knee-high authority. I used to joke that you were a second baby dream come true because you  joined our family as seamlessly as possible. I still think you have a natural calmness about you, but it isn't passive, you are strong willed and self assured, that has become abundantly clear.

I want to remember this time in our life and capture as much of your personality and spirit as I can. Your hair is straight up untameable which I love. It is getting long, and sticks up all over, and gets in your eyes, and I have no idea what to do with but it doesn't even matter. You are walking, quickly and confidently, so much more confidently than you were 2 months ago, but you still have enough wobble that Daddy and I can't help but smile when you come barreling down the hallway. Like a little drunk person who has arrived in the kitchen with such haste so as not to miss the snacks. And you are usually on the lookout for snacks. You have the world's greatest toddler hands, chubby and soft, and clinging to any piece of the world you get your hands on. Nothing is held by you gently or carelessly, each thing you make contact with is held in a tight death grip that results in us, your adult parents, having to exert honest effort to unhand the open markers (why do you love opening the markers so much?) and forks and tiny toys we know you are inevitably going to stick in your mouth.

You don't talk yet, but you sing! You sing "Into the Unknown" from Frozen and it's so spot on and inviting that it makes the rest of us sing along with you. One night I was laying in bed with you to help you fall asleep, when I started drifting off, and then the noise that roused me back awake was your soft voice trying to sing the words "Into the Unknown", and I couldn't believe it. But then weeks passed and I didn't hear it again, so I convinced myself I had actually just dreamt it until I finally heard it again clear as day! And then Daddy heard it to! And now you do it dozens of times a day and there is no mistaking that tune. Along with singing you get SO excited when you see the Disney logo for Disney+ which enrages Daddy, because capitalism, but warms my heart tremendously because I already know you and your sister are going to make such fantastic Disney memories together.

Even though you are bigger than your sister was at this age, you still let us rock you to sleep for every nap and every bedtime. Your Dad and I know this can't last forever, that some day, one that probably isn't that far away, you may be too big, too old, or too independent to fall asleep wrapped up in our arms. So for now we savor it. How you drift off, your eyes fluttering slowly until they land closed to carry you away to the safe space of your dreams. Your precious little hands, squishy with baby purity, but full of so much bursting potential. You hand usually lands on my chest, you reaching for me and being met with the warmth and safety of your mother. It won't always look like this. You wrapped in a blanket and contained within my two arms. Someday you will reach for me in other ways, when you need advice, or comfort, or camaraderie, or reassurance, or to remember what it's like to be small and shielded from everything the world could possibly throw at you. I promise I will always keep my arms open and waiting for you. A spot against my chest primed for your head to rest and empty itself of all the concerns you will come to know. As you sink deeper into your sleep, you grow so sweaty, your hair curling and becoming matted. You don't wake though.

You hate when we aren't all together, which is funny because this is probably the smallest house we will live in. 1000 sq feet means it isn't possible to be out of shouting distance from you. Still when I go into my office and leave you on the other side it is instant devastation from you. Bathroom breaks, quick trips to the kitchen, you make it clear that you do not want to be left behind. As if we could possibly forget you, our sweet Ruby Jo, our sunshine on the cloudiest of days. Though I admit while you love us and want to be near your family, you also don't want to miss the chance to head into the kitchen. You see yourself as such a big girl - wedging yourself into the fridge the minute it opens so you can point to all the foods you want (usually a guacamole and a hummus cup from the bottom right drawer, or berries of any shape, size, and color). You have also recently freed yourself from the highchair, screaming and fussing the minute we tried to put you in it, but sitting happily at the kitchen table in one of the big chairs. Although, you haven't quite realized that crawling on top of the table and dancing during dinner is not cool - even if it is SO adorable.

You are affectionate in all the best ways. You give us the sweetest baby hugs which involve leaning against us with all your weight and placing your head down onto us. It is so sweet, and our very own Ruby hack is the frown challenge. Anytime we ask for a hug and you toddle away, a little frown brings you racing back to cheer us up. You have love overflowing from you, and you share your sunshine in so many delightful ways. Offering your snacks to us, patting Rosie on the back or the head when she is in a bad mood. Your smile flashes its way into our lives almost every time someone makes eye contact with you, as if you're saying, it's so good to see you, I didn't know when it would happen again but I won't let a moment pass without telling you how you make me feel. You may not talk but you communicate. Trying to make us laugh with your "ghost" impression that you learned from Rosie, peekaboo - where's Ruby??, and your newfound shrug complete with exaggerated "I don't know" hand motions.

You are our light and joy and even when you are shrieking because we have done something to upset you, we couldn't be more thankful that you are ours.

Some snapshots from quarantine:

On our walks you either fall asleep or insist on walking, in this picture you fell asleep "driving" and sitting completely upright.

A Baseball - A memory to last a lifetime

So....last night the Cubs won the World Series (cue the city of Chicago lighting itself on fire). Which to be honest, doesn't feel great, because that's what makes a good rivalry. A lot of people say "But can't you at least recognize what a big moment this is?" And in some ways yes, of course. I recognize that this is a big deal for a crap ton of people but at the same time it just makes my insides feel awfully crummy which I also don't feel guilty about.

In college I was part of a very competitive speech team and whenever we didn't compete as well as we wanted, I didn't think "But good for that other team!" I usually felt crushed, and defeated, and emotionally drained - which is a little how this World Series win feels.

However, the one thing that is putting a huge smile on my face is watching the way this sport (and sports in general) bring people together. Devin HATES baseball, he really doesn't like any sport, but he actively dislikes baseball. At first that really bothered me about him. I wanted him to recognize the nuances of the game, the spirit and excitement that surround each inning, and I wanted him to know why I love this game so much.

But as time has passed I have totally accepted his viewpoint and I even kind of enjoy this fact about him. Devin and I are never going to share a special moment over baseball. He isn't going to look over at me with a huge grin after a critical home run and high five me. We aren't going to watch a 9th inning with baited breath. Instead, these are moments I have had with my dad that are very very special to me.

In 2005 when the White Sox won the World Series I remember sitting in our living room watching the final out with him. I remember jumping and cheering and his pure joy as his team won the championship. I remember going downtown for the parade and feeling so excited about skipping a day of school - I know I will remember that day for the rest of my life.

This season we took Rosie to her very first White Sox game and it was so delightful. She loved watching all the people, she tried some ballpark food for the first time, we explained to her all about how baseball works, and she clung to her grandpa all day long as excited as could be. I know that as Rosie grows bigger she will also start creating memories in that ballpark that I have been to countless times over the last 26 years. She will know the pinwheels, the fireworks, and the foam fingers. She will know the joy of a win, and the disappointment of a loss, and more than anything I hope she remembers spending warm (or sometimes bone chillingly cold) afternoons with her grandpa.

Rosie and her official first game certificate!

Like I said...clinging to grandpa!

Rosie was so into all the clapping and most of the time did it at the right time.

She did however get a little messy and needed an outfit change.

Grandpa telling Rosie all his baseball secrets. 

Rosie trying some nachos because you only go to the ballpark for the first time once!

Earning herself an awesome balloon that of course she wanted to eat.

Grandpa pointing out some of the finer features of the ballpark.

Can't believe someday she will be a full grown person who will fill this seat.

A keepsake for life!

So yeah, knowing how memorable all this is, how special a world series win is, how it brings families together - for that reason I have found a reason to smile at all those social media posts about the Cubs win - even if it does sting.

Two Years Past....A Lifetime Ahead

Yesterday Devin and I celebrated our two year anniversary! Last year we had a 6 week old so even though we were at my parents' and had big plans to go to a Brazilian Steakhouse we ended up just staying in for the night and eating pizza. This year we had no false illusions of grand dinner dates and instead just planned to do dinner at home. However even though Devin is usually not one to give presents, or buy cards, or plan surprises he showed up at my work mid-morning with all kinds of wonderful goodies.

When he showed up in the surgery room, baby in one arm and flowers in the other, my very first question was:

"How did you get up here?!"

Because I work on a secure floor, and I am obviously very welcoming.

But it was such a wonderful and completely unexpected surprise that it absolutely made my entire day. I made out with some cupcakes, cookies, a new picture frame, flowers, a bag of M&Ms, and a beautiful card that Devin said he picked out because it reminded him of our wedding (how freaking adorable).

After the little family left I got back to work and spent the remainder of the day finishing up surgeries. Towards the end of the day I got a call from Devin saying him and Monkey were at the park near by building so I hurried over to meet them for a little afternoon hang out and accompanied them to the library where Rosie ran around shrieking, stealing CDs, looking at books, and wiggling her way out of our arms so she could run around some more (intense wiggling pictured below).

I love our library because it has a specific section just for board books, so Rosie has a ton of books that are just perfect for her age range. However yesterday a couple was sitting in that exact area having an argument about their relationship and I felt really awkward interrupting an emotional scene to ask Rosie if she wanted the hippo book or the puppy book so we had to pick what we wanted pretty quickly and get out of dodge.

Once  I got home from work we started our normal nighttime routine of dinner and playtime except dinner was a little more fabulous than usual. Devin made lobster ravioli, cranberry salad, roasted garlic and cheese potatoes, and garlic bread and I happily ate everything in sight. So freaking delicious. Oh and since it was a special occasion we let Rosie try her first bite of chocolate. 

She was a total fan.

Overall it was a simple and perfect anniversary, and as Devin reminded me the most important thing is that we spend it together. The rest is just kind of optional. 

Oh and on a side note even though the Cubs are probably going to win the world series, Rosie knows deep down which Chicago team she roots for.

 Right now one of her favorite thing to do is put this hat on her own head, and then my head, and then back on her own head. And I don't mind one bit! #WhiteSox4Life

Halloween Weekend + NaBloPoMo Goals

This weekend was wonderfully full of Fall memories that started with Shmoopie helping me make some roasted butternut squash. In an act of efficiency (laziness) I got the precut squash from Costco and then roasted it with cinnamon, a tiny bit of brown sugar, a dash of salt, and a bit of honey as soon as it comes out of the oven. Rosie was all about it! 

She also thought dancing on top of the pan was the best part of making dinner. We are a lawless land. Also Rosie's Uncle Dominic bought her this Cubs shirt, and even though we are strict White Sox fans, I put her in it to Skype with her grandparents because I like some light trolling. 

On Friday night Rosie attended a Halloween Party put on by the local Moms Blog, and had a blast! She is at an age where I am never quite sure how things like that will go because sometimes she is really into participating and interacting with the things around her and sometimes she just wants to stare at people...most of the she just wants to stare at people. But hey I can't blame her, people come in all shapes and sizes and are pretty darn fascinating to watch but it also makes her look like a stalker baby.

Rosie killed at the ring toss game and then found this hoola hoop that she really enjoyed standing inside of.

On Saturday I busted out the playdoh she got at her Halloween party and she was thoroughly confused. She really couldn't believe it wasn't food, and then couldn't grasp the odd consistency and instead just tried to rip it into a bunch of small pieces.

The rest of Saturday was pretty uneventful, I napped for quite a long time while Devin took Rosie grocery shopping, and then I watched a crap ton of episodes of Shameless after Rosie went to bed. Is anyone else watching this?? I'm super in to it, however there are 6 seasons on Netflix which is a pretty lofty goal but I have some brains to slice this week so hopefully I can knock back a few more before the end of the week.

On Sunday Rosie and I went to Target to buy her some special toddler crayons (they are huge and shaped like eggs which makes them nearly impossible to break) and also picked out this sweet monster hat, which was of course from the boys' section because anything with monsters, aliens, robots, dinosaurs, or other exciting adventurous characters will usually be found in the boys' section. Of course. 

In the afternoon I got all the laundry put away which felt good for 5 seconds before I looked around and saw the laundry that has accumulated since Devin got caught up on getting everything clean. IT NEVER ENDS. Then before dinner we went down to the park because it was a ridiculously nice day considering the time of year and we absolutely couldn't waste it!

Rosie thinks her Dad is hilarious and loved getting to go down the slide all by herself for the very first time.

She is also super obsessed with mulch, and rocks, and woodchips, and leaves. So 75% of her time at the park was spent collecting these items, abandoning them, and then gathering more of the same item.

 Then Devin put Rosie to bed while I spent the evening with my neuroscience girls chowing down on pizza, drinking wine, and crafting. I don't even know what I am going to do next year without these amazing ladies!

We decided to take Rosie trick or treating but had extremely low expectations and were totally prepared to come back home if things went horribly awry. However she was a natural!

Rosie heading out the front door on a mission.

Watch out neighborhood, I'm on my way to get candy!

 The first few blocks were rough because Rosie found an acorn, and every few steps she stopped to check and see if it was still in her bucket, and then pulled it out to look at it and dropped it back in her pail. Also we went out at 5:30 and for the first few blocks we saw NO other humans and I was really concerned that our neighborhood was boycotting Halloween but eventually we ran into a little duck and we decided to start knocking on doors.

Rosie was really successful at picking out a piece of candy from the bowls people presented her and even dropped it in her bucket before moving on to the next house. She gave out lots of squeals, smiles, and tried to push her way into any house with a dog. A ton of people asked us if we were from the neighborhood, which was weird because what were they going to do if we said no? Deny us candy? But then Devin reminded me that people here are Iowa nice and just really wanted to know more about us. Weird.

On the way back to the house I ate a few pieces of candy and then I think Rosie realized that all the stuff people had been handing out was food, and at the next few houses she wanted to grab as much as possible. Good thing her hands are the size of silver dollar or else we would have had a real problem on our hands.

Once we got home we let Rosie look through her loot and I even gave her a tiny taste of kit kat, which she responded to the way she responds to all food, with open fists and grunts indicating she would like more please.

Then Rosie proceeded to carry every single piece of her candy over to Devin, despite the fact that I was politely asking for her to share and Devin kept pointing at me and telling Rosie to also give me some candy. Every. Single Piece. And the juice boxes!

I see how it is tiny human. I see. 

Even if she won't share her candy with me, I still think she was the cutest little octopus in all of Iowa.